Why?

It’s so sad how many young people are losing their lives to drugs, not just young people but older people as well. Yet again another one of my friends was found dead with a needle in his arm in Jan. When I went to rehab they told me look around only 2 of the people you came in here will make it all the way through and the rest of you will go back out live your whole lives still in addiction, while the others will go to jail and or worse will end up dead from this disease. I couldn’t believe it, they told me the success rate of addicts who actually stay in recovery is, any guess? 2%, that percentage blew my mind. How is it that everybody is so worried about guns and other known violence when the main thing killing Americans is drugs. It is truly sad how many people do not actually know anything regarding this disease. I’ve been called a junkie and just about every bad name in the book, I have been looked at differently, and I’ve been shunned. I can’t help who I am, but I can help who I become. I’m determined to be apart of that 2%, I am also determined to make sure something is done about this problem in the world. If one person can make a change that results in others making a change, then you know what that’s good enough for me. Somebody I went to rehab with once told me that when she sees the change I’ve made it makes her want the life I’ve been waiting my whole life for. It has been one hell of a road, and it still will be,  I have my flaws, everybody does, but now I’m not afraid to admit them or hide what I know I am. I’m a proud recovering addict and nobody should hide in fear.

How times have changed

It’s crazy how I already have 9 months sober and getting closer and close to my one year. This past year has been the most rewarding yet challenging year of my life, all the things I have been through could not compete with finding myself and looking into the reasons why I did the things that I’ve done or why I’ve hurt the people I’ve hurt. I wouldn’t change anything if I could. I’m beyond great full for my family if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here today I’d be off somewhere slowly killing myself which was where I was headed. That intervention changed my life, watching my mom cry because she couldn’t see her baby girl die slowly broke my heart. My mom is probably one of the strongest woman I truly know. She has been there through every disgusting, hurtful things I’ve done. There is probably no words to even say to thank her for everything she has done. But I have to at least try. She has never given up on me, even when I thought she had she hadn’t. I know I kept you up all night worrying , I know I stole from you, broke your heart, but all I can do is make it better from now on. Without you I would be lost in a world of drugs, lies, and sex. You’ve seen me do some things I hope I never ever see my children do. I’ve said some things to you that I couldn’t even manage saying. I love you more than words can even describe, you are truly one amazing woman. You mean the world to me, I can’t wait to get our relationship back and have a real mother daughter relationship. I promise this to you, I’ll never ever go back to that little girl who thought she was a real woman, because I was far from a real woman. No matter what happens I promise to always tell the truth to you, I promise to always be there and to always focus on myself. Thank you for being the best mother in the whole entire world, I hope one day I can be as good as a mom as you are.

Love your truly and forever great full daughter,

                  Ashley

Closed off

My aunt told me the other day how sad it was that I was so closed off from my feelings. I never ask for help and I never really share my emotions. I don’t know why I do it guess I’m just stuck in my ways. I get scared, I get this sweaty palm feeling when people tell me things. I just want to stay in my little box where people can’t hurt me anymore. I realized that’s not a way to live, my family and loved ones deserve more than that. Sometimes all I wanted was to cuddle up and genuinely express my feelings and not be afraid or get that sweaty palm feeling. I have this problem where I think everybody is out to hurt me, I push away people who care the most for me.  I shut down when it comes to getting extremely close with a man or even a friend. I used to lie so people wouldn’t really know the real me. Then I used to lie so I could hurt people so they wouldn’t even want to get to know me.  The fact that my family see how hurt and destroyed I am in the inside hurts me even more. All I want is to be finally free from feeling like this. Maybe one day I won’t be so closed off anymore.

The Fuck its

I was a heartless bitch with one and a sweet innocent woman with another. I didn’t even know who I really was. I knew I needed to eventually find myself see who I was and who I wanted too be. I didn’t really want to be this person but I couldn’t stop by addiction had gotten so bad I just stopped paying my rent. I had a case of the fuck its  and I had them bad. In Chicago I wasn’t playing around I was kind of like to the point if I die I die. I didn’t even hold any care once so ever shit go ahead shoot me maybe then I’ll finally be at peace with myself. I wasn’t much of a fighter but shit I was smart I learned fast. Woman never really liked me at the time I didn’t know why,  now that im older woman who like you for no reason are threatened. I always chilled with the men because they understood, they just kicked it, no drama. I always thought I kicked it with real people turns out we were all full of bull shit. My first fight not going to lie I got my ass beat, my nose bled, ribs hurt and my head haf a bump from the concrete.  My next fight wasn’t so bad I kept my hair short females always liked pulling hair and fighting dirty especially in the hood. By my third fight, nobody really wanted it, I trained with the men. I knew I had the fuck its when I would walk up to somebody and smack them upside the head. I stole from people, people at gas stations,  people at the ATM everywhere didn’t matter. The night I got the worst fuck it’s was the night I overdosed.  I took about 10 xanax pills and almost an 8 ball of coke. I don’t remember much,  I remember fingers down my throat forcing me to throw up. I kept biting their fingers all I wanted was to sleep and sleep. Eventually I laid there with all the contents of my stomach next to me. I foamed a little at the mouth, they fed me water and crackers.  I’m not sure if that was a wise idea but it seemed to work. I couldn’t see,  I couldn’t hear and I couldn’t taste anything. The fuck its and I do not mix very well,  but for the next month that’s all I had. It just got worse and worse. 

I miss you

I never realized how hard life would be with out you here, I miss you more than words can describe. Daddy I always looked at you as my hero, I always thought I would grow up with you close by my side. For weeks on end I had dreams about you, some good most bad. I had this unstoppable dream that always had me waking up in tears. I usually kept it to myself I knew I’d look like a crazy lunatic I mean what young 12 year old dreams over and over again her dad shooting himself in the head. I guess that would be right? I didn’t realize how much your death affected me, how hard I turned to drugs because of it. I didn’t realize that I’d be so fucked up when it came to guys because of you. It took me a long time to realize I needed to forgive you for leaving me. I never thought I could ever forgive you until that one day in rehab when the subject was forgiveness. I knew this was my higher power trying to tell me something, the root of my problems was my forgiveness. I needed to forgive you, and every other person that hurt me. The biggest thing was I needed to forgive myself for all the things that I’ve done to people. I never wanted to look at myself, all I wanted was to blame others to take the heat of what I have done. All I want is to see you one last time, and kiss you, I can’t still believe you’re gone even after 14 years. I can still remember the day they told me you were dead, I can remember the day of your funeral. I had been the past the point of tears, nothing would come out, all I could do was sit there in silence, and wish it wasn’t true. All I need you to know is I love you so much, I would have done anything for you. Don’t worry I’m doing pretty good these days, in less than 6 months I’ll have a year clean, and I’m working on my health it is always a battle. Just know I promise I won’t ever let you down again, I apologize for all the things you had to witness. Just know I have forgiven myself and I think I can finally move on. This book and blog is my way of letting everybody know that I can overcome everything and I will overcome it. My strength was a gift from GOD and for that I thank him everyday, all I hope is you are in a better place now. 

Always and Forever, 

Your Youngest Daughter Ashley.

Why?

I’ve always wondered why men do the things that they do. I mean why would you want to spend all this time getting to know a woman, saying you love a woman, telling this woman you want her to have your baby, and yet all of a sudden up and stop talking to her? Is there a reason behind this madness, or are you just mentally incapable of really loving and being faithful to someone? I mean it kind of is a waste of my time and I really do not like having my time being wasted. Now also a female like me doesn’t have the time to cheat frankly as of right now in my life I am way to lazy. But I don’t want to give my body to another man, tell another man that I love him, spend my quality time texting and calling another man. I do not want to motivate another man when I have you to motivate, I do not want to share my money and earnings with another man. All I want is to motivate you, be there for you, show you how much I love you. Also why even stop talking to a woman if you choose to return because you um let’s say miss this said woman? I just had to vent because it bothers me completely when men choose to be complete asses. Also I want to rant about females, especially those baby moms that choose to completely make their baby’s fathers lives miserable. Look let’s put it like this he doesn’t want you yet you choose to hold his kid hostage and threaten child support. I’m going to put it like this you are a complete bitch your not the mother of the child you are a baby momma. Somebody who cares more about your happiness then your child’s or the man that you so called love. I’m sorry but that is not love to me. I don’t see how a woman could hold their child over somebody, especially a man who wants nothing but to be apart of that kids life. It makes zero sense to me, really it does. But hey what do I know right I have no children, want to know the reason I have no children as of right now in my life? Well let’s see because all of the good men either have nice girlfriends or because they have kids and their baby momma’s have trapped them into a loveless relationship. Oh well, it’s his loss right?

When love fails, strength overcomes

I ran, sweat was dripping off my forehead, my shirt seemed soaked. It was dark, there was a strange light in the background. All I remember was get away Ashley, you need to run faster. I knew as soon as he found me I would be done for, why did I put myself in these situations. I should have ended it sooner. By this time I was barely speaking to my family. I was living with my ex boyfriend yet still seeing my boyfriend from Chicago. I couldn’t end it, he made it very clear what would happen, what was I supposed to do. My family was at risk, and I knew I couldn’t put them in danger, even if it meant my happiness. Running didn’t bother me to much I had gotten used to it, he made sure I was in good running shape. There were times he wouldn’t let me ride in the car, I had to run. Now here I was running for my life, the coke was starting to wear off, all I wanted was to be home with a real guy that actually seemed to care about me. I could hear him screaming my name, I hid behind what seemed like a weird torn box and a cabinet, I knew eventually he would find me, he was so coked up he would never give in. I saw his shadow tower over me, I’m pretty sure my life literally flashed before my eyes. He knew, he knew everything, he knew about my ex, he knew where I was living, and he knew I had been playing him this whole time. He looked at me intensely grabbed me by my neck and lifted me into the air. He held me right in front of him so I could look directly into his eyes. He looked so hurt, I knew I did that to him, maybe I deserved what was coming to me. How was I supposed to make sense of all this, I knew no woman deserved to be treated this way. I didn’t have a choice, I had to do what I did in order to survive and ensure my families safely. He spit in my eye, it burned a little, I’m sure that wasn’t anything good. Apparently I was a no good bitch who deserved everything that was coming to her, great here it comes the beating. Yeah well I wish I would have gotten a beater, he carried me back into his apartment. There they were 4 black guys, one was scrawny, the others were well built. Was I getting jumped, no I knew what was about to happen, it scared me a little. I heard about these things that happened to girls, even saw it on a couple porno’s before. He threw me on my knees, and told me to strip. It brought back the memories of when I lost my virginity, I just sat there quietly. He didn’t seemed to like that very much, they all had their turn with me. I kind of blacked out after the 3rd guy, he didn’t really seemed to notice that much. After they were done they left me there laying on the floor, I had blood oozing out. I never cried like that in my life, even when my father died this was way worse. After maybe 2 hours or so, he came out picked me up and put me into a full bath. He cleaned me while I cried, it hurt, like a throbbing stabbing pain. He leaned in and kissed my forehead, told me everything was going to be okay. I had so much hate and rage built up, I wanted to kill him, just stab him and watch him bleed out. I drove up, music blaring hoping maybe I could get those images and feelings out of my head. I showered like I never showered before, scrubbed each and every spot I could. Then I crawled into bed I laid there hoping maybe I could fall asleep. My “ex” came home, brought me food kissed me and told me he missed me. I kissed him back and said I missed you too, I knew I had to tell him, but how could I? Admit that a couple black guys from Chicago forced me into having sex, that they ran a train on me? That I couldn’t get out of a relationships because everything I loved was at risk? No, instead I’m going to keep quiet and pretend it never happened maybe if I pretend it didn’t, I could convince me it really didn’t.

Why do I do it?

Today somebody asked me why I decided to come out about my addiction plus share my life story.  Well it’s simple I never would want any other woman or man to go through anything I went through. People have a voice too,  they deserved to be heard. If I could change someone’s life just by admitting my wrongs then shit I’m all there. I was one hell of a train wreck, I’ve came a long way. I mean don’t doubt me I got leaps and bounds to go.  But today im content with who I am,  I’m attempting to make a difference. I almost ruined every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve been given many chances and this is a promise to all my loved ones I won’t Fuck up this time.

Killing ain’t easy

Have you ever been awake but really thought it was a dream,  not being able to distinguish the difference between reality? This happened to be on many occasions, I think the drugs were starting to Fuck with my head. My boyfriend told me its normal, just smoke this blunt and relax. I always listened because I had no idea what else to do. I couldn’t tell my family what was happening, like they would believe me I mean I lied to them about everything. That was me a liar and a manipulator, short story I was a full blown addict. The places drugs took me and the things I saw,  still blow my mind. I had started talking to my ex again I figured I could get the best of both worlds, a quiet nice relationship and a relationship that tested my strengths. I didn’t even feel bad for playing both of em, it was like a natural act for me. My boyfriend and I decided to go collect from his guy that been avoiding him for some time now. I remember hearing gun shot, I ran inside to make sure he was okay, he was fine but his friend wasn’t. He was laying down holding his shoulder, he shot him I can’t believe he actually shot him. I knew the cops wouldn’t show they never came to this area. I sat there he looked at me I knew that look best keep your mouth shut look.  I wouldn’t tell I wasn’t that type,  I was looking forward to going to my exes and just playing video games it would be a break from all this.  He just left him there bleeding out,  I didn’t know if he was going to die,  but I knew I couldn’t feel bad for him.  What’s the point? That wouldn’t get me anywhere besides an ass beating. He got his money and more from his house. He yelled for me to get my ass in the car, I didn’t even hesitate. He had a little blood on his shirt, he sat there in silence.  I didn’t really know what to say at the time,  so I took his hand, this seemed to comfort him. All I wanted was to make sure I made him happy, I took him home and made him dinner. He didn’t say much, I know he didn’t want to shoot him but in the streets you do what you have too. He laid on the couch, looked up at me,  the words came out so naturally I love you.  I told him I loved him too, I honestly think now I was starting to mean it,  great Ashley. He held me close for an hour, then finally the silence broke, we need to talk. I knew this was coming. You didn’t see shit,  you don’t know shit. I shook my head and said yes sir, I know the rules. He said good girl,  I knew I had gotten into deep I wanted out,  I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I knew id never tell, riders never tell. I witnessed him basically kill somebody, it wasn’t easy but in time that would change. 

Healing in time

My ribs were healing… They stuck out further than I would have liked.  My ass stopped swelling the antibiotic cream I was putting on really helped.  I found this awkward uncomfortable position that seemed to make the pain less real. I skipped a weekend of not seeing him. He didn’t like that, all week he made threatening texts to me,  telling me I had better be at his house this weekend. Apparently we had business to take care of, I didn’t know what business. I was hoping it was something like robbing or drive by, something easy.  I drove quietly yet my music was blasting. Music always soothed me,  I remember when I was little when my dad was still alive. We would go driving he would blast music and light up a Marb Red, the smell didn’t bother me I had gotten used to it.  I just remember him singing to his Joe Diffie those were the good old days.  Now all I had was the music on my way to a disaster trap. My body tensed up, at least the bruises on my ribs were healing well by now, can’t say much about the skin on my ass. I sat outside his house for about 30 minutes maybe he wouldn’t noticed. I watched the people walk by,  I saw this couple they looked happy enough. But I saw it in her eyes, she hated him yet couldn’t help but love him. I felt bad for her but I know how she felt except I didn’t love my boyfriend I just feared for my life.  He saw me,  he came out but looked so happy to see him he yanked open my door and swept me up into his kiss. His arms were so broad, his tattoos I always loved to look at them. His kiss was deep and filled with love. He looked at me like he had been yearning for me. All of a sudden my hatred for him seemed to fade a little,  I kissed him again more deeply though. He took me inside laid me on the bed lifted my shirt up and kissed all over my ribs. He promised me it would never happen again, for some reason I believed him.  I should have known better but he played the game well. That night we made away with 2grand a pound of kush and an ounce of coke. We made love that night like it was the last night we would ever see each other. I woke up feeling warm and fuzzy, he leaned over and kissed my forehead. Then he held me and told me he loved me, I sat there mouth open, I was scared.  I didn’t know what to say so I said what he wanted to hear. Those three magic words I love you. His face lit up,  I knew for awhile now I’d be safe and that’s all I needed was to survive and I was damn good at it.