Your dying moment

The last breath that escapes your quivering mouth. Your surroundings don’t seem as real as they once were.  Your pain doesn’t seem as real as it once was, that dying moment brings a little joy into your mind.  When they say life flashes before your life,  it’s a lie,  yet it’s the truth.  I thought of everything I wanted and everything I knew I couldn’t have.  I wanted freedom, I wanted happiness, I wanted my dad,  I wanted so many things, I could feel the tears slowly escape. I thought of my selfish actions, yet I smiled I was free and clear,  no more pain no more hesitation. I had done it. The blackness was rolling through my body it worked its way up,  my feet stopped tingling and the stillness came.  My legs freezed in an instant, my arms twitched themselves into a coma.  My tongue felt numb,  my ears rang, and my head exploded. Everything seemed different, I closed my eyes and waited for my soul to drift out of my body.  I heard the faint murmurs of people, they seemed so far away.  Electricity coursed through my blood.  The tingling in my feet came back, my arms spazzed to life, my head exploded once more.  They wouldn’t let me go. Just let me go fell from my lips, in a second I gasped for air.  The pain was back, I was back.
From the past of a junkie

My heart

The heart is a beautifully unique sometimes disastrous organ. What does it really take to all in all give your heart up to somebody? You let them know your inner most darkest secrets. You let your guard down,  you support and love them despite your weaknesses. Have you ever questioned everything you ever thought you loved?  Sat down and thought, looked around and saw somebody you never thought you would ever see. Love can bring the worst out of somebody, yet can bring the best out in a person. What makes love real?  What makes love fake?  Sometimes these questions are the ones that falter and alter your perception. Sometimes all that is needed is a leap of faith,  a leap into question life that you don’t know. It’s an empty abyss that could go on for years. Are you willing to jump?

Why?

It’s so sad how many young people are losing their lives to drugs, not just young people but older people as well. Yet again another one of my friends was found dead with a needle in his arm in Jan. When I went to rehab they told me look around only 2 of the people you came in here will make it all the way through and the rest of you will go back out live your whole lives still in addiction, while the others will go to jail and or worse will end up dead from this disease. I couldn’t believe it, they told me the success rate of addicts who actually stay in recovery is, any guess? 2%, that percentage blew my mind. How is it that everybody is so worried about guns and other known violence when the main thing killing Americans is drugs. It is truly sad how many people do not actually know anything regarding this disease. I’ve been called a junkie and just about every bad name in the book, I have been looked at differently, and I’ve been shunned. I can’t help who I am, but I can help who I become. I’m determined to be apart of that 2%, I am also determined to make sure something is done about this problem in the world. If one person can make a change that results in others making a change, then you know what that’s good enough for me. Somebody I went to rehab with once told me that when she sees the change I’ve made it makes her want the life I’ve been waiting my whole life for. It has been one hell of a road, and it still will be,  I have my flaws, everybody does, but now I’m not afraid to admit them or hide what I know I am. I’m a proud recovering addict and nobody should hide in fear.

How times have changed

It’s crazy how I already have 9 months sober and getting closer and close to my one year. This past year has been the most rewarding yet challenging year of my life, all the things I have been through could not compete with finding myself and looking into the reasons why I did the things that I’ve done or why I’ve hurt the people I’ve hurt. I wouldn’t change anything if I could. I’m beyond great full for my family if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t be here today I’d be off somewhere slowly killing myself which was where I was headed. That intervention changed my life, watching my mom cry because she couldn’t see her baby girl die slowly broke my heart. My mom is probably one of the strongest woman I truly know. She has been there through every disgusting, hurtful things I’ve done. There is probably no words to even say to thank her for everything she has done. But I have to at least try. She has never given up on me, even when I thought she had she hadn’t. I know I kept you up all night worrying , I know I stole from you, broke your heart, but all I can do is make it better from now on. Without you I would be lost in a world of drugs, lies, and sex. You’ve seen me do some things I hope I never ever see my children do. I’ve said some things to you that I couldn’t even manage saying. I love you more than words can even describe, you are truly one amazing woman. You mean the world to me, I can’t wait to get our relationship back and have a real mother daughter relationship. I promise this to you, I’ll never ever go back to that little girl who thought she was a real woman, because I was far from a real woman. No matter what happens I promise to always tell the truth to you, I promise to always be there and to always focus on myself. Thank you for being the best mother in the whole entire world, I hope one day I can be as good as a mom as you are.

Love your truly and forever great full daughter,

                  Ashley

Closed off

My aunt told me the other day how sad it was that I was so closed off from my feelings. I never ask for help and I never really share my emotions. I don’t know why I do it guess I’m just stuck in my ways. I get scared, I get this sweaty palm feeling when people tell me things. I just want to stay in my little box where people can’t hurt me anymore. I realized that’s not a way to live, my family and loved ones deserve more than that. Sometimes all I wanted was to cuddle up and genuinely express my feelings and not be afraid or get that sweaty palm feeling. I have this problem where I think everybody is out to hurt me, I push away people who care the most for me.  I shut down when it comes to getting extremely close with a man or even a friend. I used to lie so people wouldn’t really know the real me. Then I used to lie so I could hurt people so they wouldn’t even want to get to know me.  The fact that my family see how hurt and destroyed I am in the inside hurts me even more. All I want is to be finally free from feeling like this. Maybe one day I won’t be so closed off anymore.

The Fuck its

I was a heartless bitch with one and a sweet innocent woman with another. I didn’t even know who I really was. I knew I needed to eventually find myself see who I was and who I wanted too be. I didn’t really want to be this person but I couldn’t stop by addiction had gotten so bad I just stopped paying my rent. I had a case of the fuck its  and I had them bad. In Chicago I wasn’t playing around I was kind of like to the point if I die I die. I didn’t even hold any care once so ever shit go ahead shoot me maybe then I’ll finally be at peace with myself. I wasn’t much of a fighter but shit I was smart I learned fast. Woman never really liked me at the time I didn’t know why,  now that im older woman who like you for no reason are threatened. I always chilled with the men because they understood, they just kicked it, no drama. I always thought I kicked it with real people turns out we were all full of bull shit. My first fight not going to lie I got my ass beat, my nose bled, ribs hurt and my head haf a bump from the concrete.  My next fight wasn’t so bad I kept my hair short females always liked pulling hair and fighting dirty especially in the hood. By my third fight, nobody really wanted it, I trained with the men. I knew I had the fuck its when I would walk up to somebody and smack them upside the head. I stole from people, people at gas stations,  people at the ATM everywhere didn’t matter. The night I got the worst fuck it’s was the night I overdosed.  I took about 10 xanax pills and almost an 8 ball of coke. I don’t remember much,  I remember fingers down my throat forcing me to throw up. I kept biting their fingers all I wanted was to sleep and sleep. Eventually I laid there with all the contents of my stomach next to me. I foamed a little at the mouth, they fed me water and crackers.  I’m not sure if that was a wise idea but it seemed to work. I couldn’t see,  I couldn’t hear and I couldn’t taste anything. The fuck its and I do not mix very well,  but for the next month that’s all I had. It just got worse and worse. 

I miss you

I never realized how hard life would be with out you here, I miss you more than words can describe. Daddy I always looked at you as my hero, I always thought I would grow up with you close by my side. For weeks on end I had dreams about you, some good most bad. I had this unstoppable dream that always had me waking up in tears. I usually kept it to myself I knew I’d look like a crazy lunatic I mean what young 12 year old dreams over and over again her dad shooting himself in the head. I guess that would be right? I didn’t realize how much your death affected me, how hard I turned to drugs because of it. I didn’t realize that I’d be so fucked up when it came to guys because of you. It took me a long time to realize I needed to forgive you for leaving me. I never thought I could ever forgive you until that one day in rehab when the subject was forgiveness. I knew this was my higher power trying to tell me something, the root of my problems was my forgiveness. I needed to forgive you, and every other person that hurt me. The biggest thing was I needed to forgive myself for all the things that I’ve done to people. I never wanted to look at myself, all I wanted was to blame others to take the heat of what I have done. All I want is to see you one last time, and kiss you, I can’t still believe you’re gone even after 14 years. I can still remember the day they told me you were dead, I can remember the day of your funeral. I had been the past the point of tears, nothing would come out, all I could do was sit there in silence, and wish it wasn’t true. All I need you to know is I love you so much, I would have done anything for you. Don’t worry I’m doing pretty good these days, in less than 6 months I’ll have a year clean, and I’m working on my health it is always a battle. Just know I promise I won’t ever let you down again, I apologize for all the things you had to witness. Just know I have forgiven myself and I think I can finally move on. This book and blog is my way of letting everybody know that I can overcome everything and I will overcome it. My strength was a gift from GOD and for that I thank him everyday, all I hope is you are in a better place now. 

Always and Forever, 

Your Youngest Daughter Ashley.

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