I miss you

I never realized how hard life would be with out you here, I miss you more than words can describe. Daddy I always looked at you as my hero, I always thought I would grow up with you close by my side. For weeks on end I had dreams about you, some good most bad. I had this unstoppable dream that always had me waking up in tears. I usually kept it to myself I knew I’d look like a crazy lunatic I mean what young 12 year old dreams over and over again her dad shooting himself in the head. I guess that would be right? I didn’t realize how much your death affected me, how hard I turned to drugs because of it. I didn’t realize that I’d be so fucked up when it came to guys because of you. It took me a long time to realize I needed to forgive you for leaving me. I never thought I could ever forgive you until that one day in rehab when the subject was forgiveness. I knew this was my higher power trying to tell me something, the root of my problems was my forgiveness. I needed to forgive you, and every other person that hurt me. The biggest thing was I needed to forgive myself for all the things that I’ve done to people. I never wanted to look at myself, all I wanted was to blame others to take the heat of what I have done. All I want is to see you one last time, and kiss you, I can’t still believe you’re gone even after 14 years. I can still remember the day they told me you were dead, I can remember the day of your funeral. I had been the past the point of tears, nothing would come out, all I could do was sit there in silence, and wish it wasn’t true. All I need you to know is I love you so much, I would have done anything for you. Don’t worry I’m doing pretty good these days, in less than 6 months I’ll have a year clean, and I’m working on my health it is always a battle. Just know I promise I won’t ever let you down again, I apologize for all the things you had to witness. Just know I have forgiven myself and I think I can finally move on. This book and blog is my way of letting everybody know that I can overcome everything and I will overcome it. My strength was a gift from GOD and for that I thank him everyday, all I hope is you are in a better place now. 

Always and Forever, 

Your Youngest Daughter Ashley.

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