I spent the past two years redefining myself telling others I was ready. I wasn’t. I let my addiction beat me. Everybody looks at me in dissatisfaction, disgust. I hear the murmurs. The girl who couldn’t quite make it. I feel like I’ve went back instead of forward. I worry about my thoughts, my actions. I sold my soul to the devil a long time ago. I fought and fought to earn it back. Yet today I’m soul less. I get that feeling of total and utter insanity raising from my palms. I sweat wondering if they notice. I work three jobs, my parents are more disappointed than excited for me. My boyfriend of three years constantly makes excuses for us to not be together. I push away everybody. But all I want is for my mom to tell me everything will be okay. For my boyfriend to hold me and just look at me because I know in those moments he’s appreciating everything I am. I want to be alive, I want to breathe again. The world is on my shoulder’s, its ripping and hurting. I have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. A war between good and evil is about to break loose. Only problem is…. It’s in my head.
Within seconds a life can change. Its what you do with those seconds that matter the most. I woke up, I should feel greatful. Why don’t I? Most people may say my posts are dark and full of sadness. There’s more people in this world that feel sadness rather than happiness. I look around at the hurt and the shattered pieces that were left behind. I weep for you. In those moments I truly understand what it means to be human. To feel for others. Compassion. Curse. Blessing.
Somebody once said that time heals everything. Its been 15 years and my pain still burrows deep within. It scares me to look at myself. Sometimes I don’t even know the person who looks back at me. Have you ever looked around at the people you love the most and can’t help but adore everything they are. I know this man, he’s changed my life in more ways than one. His smile brings relief, his arms bring protection and his eyes bring love. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to witness all your dreams coming true? I didn’t. Until I met him, I saw a path that I couldn’t see within myself. A sense of hope that I felt had been burned, and cut out of my soul. He brought hope back into my life. He brought strength. I feel like sometimes I’m that annoying girl friend who constantly tells you that no matter
what I’ll always love you. Sometimes I tell you how cute you are. Sometimes I get angry. I’m not perfect by any means. Who really is? But within my imperfections lies a love that was fitted perfectly for you.
It all starts with a plan, the plan to end it all. The path that leads no where but salvation. Is it selfish? Could they really understand the pain you have went through? Could they show real compassion in a time of need? Sometimes what you thought isn’t really what it seems. Losing somebody is hard, but is it harder when that person chooses not to be in your life anymore? Does the pain slowly fade? Or is that what if always in the back of your mind? What if I changed, what if I tried harder. Some questions will always be left unanswered and that’s the part that scares us the most. The questions that will never be answered. This past year has been the hardest rollercoaster ride of my life. There has been fights, break ups, falling in love, make ups, and the ultimatums. We all have choices in which we have to decide if some people are worth being brought into the new year with us. We have to decide if the pain and the tears are worth what the promises are made up of. I have realized through my bull shit and lies I hurt many people especially the ones who love me most. So I decide not to take you to the new year with me instead I take this time to apologize for the wrongs I have done. I apologize for the petty lies that brought hurt into your heart. I apologize for not being open and honest whenever it was necessary. I also promise from here on out you will always be remembered in my heart, and no matter where I go apart of you will always be there. Sometimes you mess it up so bad when you finally realized you have changed and want to prove that, you’ve already lost that chance. All I can do is move and better my life, do not let these people tear me down. Rise up against those who always judged me. Unite with the ones who were always there through all the pain, the lies, the bull shit, and realize those people are the most amazing people I will ever meet in my life. You can’t imagine how thankful I am to know I have such a huge support system. For those who walked away, I feel sorry for you not being able to be around when I finally reach the high point in my life. Just know you helped me get there, the pain made me work hard, grind harder. Sometimes things happen for a reason, and sometimes they are life lessons. I learned a huge one recently… Happy New Years Eve.
an Undiscovered Writer
The last breath that escapes your quivering mouth. Your surroundings don’t seem as real as they once were. Your pain doesn’t seem as real as it once was, that dying moment brings a little joy into your mind. When they say life flashes before your life, it’s a lie, yet it’s the truth. I thought of everything I wanted and everything I knew I couldn’t have. I wanted freedom, I wanted happiness, I wanted my dad, I wanted so many things, I could feel the tears slowly escape. I thought of my selfish actions, yet I smiled I was free and clear, no more pain no more hesitation. I had done it. The blackness was rolling through my body it worked its way up, my feet stopped tingling and the stillness came. My legs freezed in an instant, my arms twitched themselves into a coma. My tongue felt numb, my ears rang, and my head exploded. Everything seemed different, I closed my eyes and waited for my soul to drift out of my body. I heard the faint murmurs of people, they seemed so far away. Electricity coursed through my blood. The tingling in my feet came back, my arms spazzed to life, my head exploded once more. They wouldn’t let me go. Just let me go fell from my lips, in a second I gasped for air. The pain was back, I was back.
From the past of a junkie
The heart is a beautifully unique sometimes disastrous organ. What does it really take to all in all give your heart up to somebody? You let them know your inner most darkest secrets. You let your guard down, you support and love them despite your weaknesses. Have you ever questioned everything you ever thought you loved? Sat down and thought, looked around and saw somebody you never thought you would ever see. Love can bring the worst out of somebody, yet can bring the best out in a person. What makes love real? What makes love fake? Sometimes these questions are the ones that falter and alter your perception. Sometimes all that is needed is a leap of faith, a leap into question life that you don’t know. It’s an empty abyss that could go on for years. Are you willing to jump?
It’s so sad how many young people are losing their lives to drugs, not just young people but older people as well. Yet again another one of my friends was found dead with a needle in his arm in Jan. When I went to rehab they told me look around only 2 of the people you came in here will make it all the way through and the rest of you will go back out live your whole lives still in addiction, while the others will go to jail and or worse will end up dead from this disease. I couldn’t believe it, they told me the success rate of addicts who actually stay in recovery is, any guess? 2%, that percentage blew my mind. How is it that everybody is so worried about guns and other known violence when the main thing killing Americans is drugs. It is truly sad how many people do not actually know anything regarding this disease. I’ve been called a junkie and just about every bad name in the book, I have been looked at differently, and I’ve been shunned. I can’t help who I am, but I can help who I become. I’m determined to be apart of that 2%, I am also determined to make sure something is done about this problem in the world. If one person can make a change that results in others making a change, then you know what that’s good enough for me. Somebody I went to rehab with once told me that when she sees the change I’ve made it makes her want the life I’ve been waiting my whole life for. It has been one hell of a road, and it still will be, I have my flaws, everybody does, but now I’m not afraid to admit them or hide what I know I am. I’m a proud recovering addict and nobody should hide in fear.